the journey

like me, i'm sure you've heard it said that "it's about the journey, not the destination."

and perhaps like me, sometimes that feels like a cop out.  but, this morning, it doesn't.

i've been on a journey for a long time...i think it started three years ago and picked up the pace in a drastic way a year and a half ago.  i was pursuing international missions...yes, me becoming a missionary.  it still makes me chuckle a smidge, for i was once the gal who rolled her eyes at missionary talk and wanted everyone to understand that you could be just as dynamic for the lord in the good 'ole US of A.  i still believe that is true, but god gave me a heart for missions three summers ago and continued cultivating my heart until i fell in love with a country and counted the cost of moving there.

however, as of a few days ago, my answer is no.  or maybe not yet.

and that isn't easy.  but, i wanted an answer and i got one.  and so while i am not currently pursuing moving to nicaragua, i'll be starting a new pursuit of life in charleston.

i believe there are ways for the things i love in nicaragua to become realities for me here in charleston.  and there are a lot of things that may (or may not) need to change.  much to entrust the lord with.

but what i know for certain is that this time has not been wasted.  i have have learned so much.  i have grieved and wept over missing out on life here.  i have watched the lord work in my parents' hearts so that they were not just ok - but supportive - of me moving there.  huge!  i have surrendered my  heart and my life to the lord in every way i can think of.  and it has been painful.

and there will be grieving of not going.  staying (for now) causes me to grieve a life that could have been in nicaragua.

and the pain hasn't stopped because of this decision.  i went to nicaragua this past week to get an answer from the lord and i received one.  thankful!  but i am not out of this season.  i have never felt as spiritually attacked as i have the past few months and it heightened the past few weeks.  i can literally feel the spiritual warfare around me and within me.

the journey of putting all my cards on the table and saying "yes" resulted in a "no" for me.  oh, the ways of the lord are mysterious, aren't they?

as challenging as it has been, i wouldn't trade each and every one of those cards that was played or laid out on the table.  every question and every tear will be used for something.  something greater that i cannot comprehend at this moment in time.

so, yes, today i say the journey is greater than the destination.  for in charleston or in nicaragua, i am a different person than i was all those months ago.  i know the lord much deeper and more intimately.  i see things now that i didn't see way back when.  i have been shaped and molded and bruised and cared for on this path in ways i couldn't have planned for on my own.  and, today, i will take those things and treasure them in my heart.